


Drunk in Love

by levisinner



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, awkward first love confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 13:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4182144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levisinner/pseuds/levisinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time it happened, Alex laughed it off.</p>
<p>But then it kept happening.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunk in Love

The first time it happened, Alex laughed it off. Brendan’s drunken confession of love was hardly to be taken seriously, so it was sorted into the pile of hilarious stories Alex told about Brendan. 

“Hey, Chucky, I need to talk to you.” 

“What’s up?” Alex wasn’t taking Brendan seriously. He was drunk, and Alex wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind, either.

“I…” Brendan stared at him. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m fucking gay for you, Alex.”

Alex burst out laughing. “Oh my fucking god.”

But then, it kept happening.

“I’m not just sayin’ it ’cause I’m drunk, you know,” Brendan slurred at him the week after. “I really do fucking love you. I really do.”

“Sure you do, Gally,” Alex replied. He wasn’t sure how sarcastic his response was.

Victory drinks after wins. Angry drinks after losses. Day off drinks at the club. Whenever there was a drink in Brendan’s hand – all it took was one drink, dude was a fuckin’ lightweight – there was soon to be a love confession.

Alex was driving home after a win. They had the next day off, so some of the boys were out at a nearby night club, but Alex had promised his mom he’d help her move furniture around in the morning, so he’d skipped out after the first round. Suddenly, his phone started ringing. Brendan. “Hey, man, what’s up?”

“Alex.”

“Yes?”

“You can laugh all you want, man, but I love you.”

“I’ll stop laughing if you tell me that when you’re sober,” Alex said before abruptly hanging up. Because, when it came down to it, there was one big reason those love confessions drove him crazy: he wanted them to be true. He shrugged them off, laughed them off, y’know. What else could he do? Admit he actually liked Brendan? Admit he was interested in dudes to the entire world when he wasn’t even sure he could admit it to himself? Realize Brendan’s drunk nonsense was just drunk nonsense and make a fool out of himself? He had to laugh them off. He had to.

Alex had initially realized he was into dudes during his first year in Sarnia. He caught himself peeking glances here and there in the locker room, then he tried to stop himself from doing that because it was creepy, which made him realize he actually was doing it, which made him realize there had to be a reason he was doing it, and then he just sort of…realized. Pansexual fit the best out of all the labels he’d found. He’d only been looking those labels up to support some queer friends, of course. It wasn’t like he…it wasn’t like he was gay or anything. Sometimes he thought he was ready to accept it, to come out to himself and his family and some friends, but then he’d hear someone yell “faggot!” at him during a game. A teammate would say, “dude, that’s gay.” He’d see gay fans harassed at games. And he was scared. 

So he’d buried it down until he almost forgot it. When he realized he had a crush on Brendan, he buried that down, too. You’re not used to being that close with someone, you forgot what it felt like, he told himself. But when those goddamn love confessions started rolling off Brendan’s tongue…they tore him apart.

Brendan ripped him apart some more one night in their hotel room when he asked, “Hey, Chuck. Do you think the NHL’s ready for a gay player?”

Alex swallowed. “I wish.” He tried not to betray what he was thinking. “I think – I think there’s too much homophobia around still. I mean, hockey players seem more accepting than other sports, but…there’s a lot of bigotry here, too. Maybe a gay player could make it, I don’t know. Why do you ask?”

“I, um…I’m – Alex, I’m gay.”

“Oh,” was all Alex could think to say.

“Yeah…”

An awkward silence fell between the two of them. Alex was too in shock to say anything for a few minutes before finally, he worked up the courage. “I’m pansexual,” he admitted to himself and Brendan. “I’m queer, too.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you out to anyone else yet?”

“No.”

“Me neither…” Brendan sighed. “I want to be, though. I think I’m going to try to come out to some more people soon.”

“Good luck.”

“Thanks, man.”

Silence fell again, but this one was more comfortable as the roommates sat with their thoughts. They were both queer; neither of them was alone. And did…did that mutual queerness mean they had a chance?

“Hey, Alex.”

“Yeah?”

“I, um…look, I know I’ve been doing that thing for a while. Where whenever I’m tipsy or drunk or anything I – I tell you I love you. And I usually don’t remember them, but…last time, I remember. I remember you saying you’d stop laughing at me if I said it sober. What did you mean by that?”

He thought in silence for half a second before he decided to fuck it. “I love you.”

“What?”

“I fucking love you, Brendan. Have for a while.”

“Love you too, man.”

“Told you,” Alex said after a moment. “Told you I wouldn’t laugh.”

Brendan smiled. Alex smiled back. For the first time in a while, Alex wasn’t ripping apart.


End file.
